JFD’s Top Five

On Dolley Madison’s birthday, here are:

JFD’s Top Five Differences Between Michelle Obama and Other First Ladies

by John F. Di Leo, May 20, 2015 A.D.

5:  When the British attacked the White House, Dolley Madison saved George Washington’s portrait.  If the White House were attacked today, Michelle Obama would just gather all the photos of herself and that double order of lobster with drawn butter she’d be munching on at the time…

4:  When Nancy Reagan decided on a public service issue, she advised kids to voluntarily Just Say No to drugs.  When Michelle Obama picked childhood obesity as her big issue, she steamrolled large fast food chains into dropping items from their menus and convinced the Dept of Education to force schools to serve tiny portions of inedible food that cost more and was invariably thrown away uneaten.

3:  One day, Mary Todd Lincoln was accused of siding with the other half of her own country; Michelle Obama has been siding with other countries against the United States her whole life.

2:  Martha Washington visited Valley Forge with several other generals’ wives, to help provide as homey an atmosphere as they could for the soldiers, at the hardest time of their lives.  Michelle Obama just gives aid and comfort to the enemy, every day.

And the Number One Difference between Michelle Obama and other First Ladies is:

1:  Andrew Jackson’s wife died before his inauguration, and the nation wept.  Michelle Obama lived, and the nation wept all the louder.

copyright 2015 John F. Di Leo

JFD’s Top Five Reasons to STILL Support Hillary Clinton for the Democratic Nomination, Despite All the Scandals – May 4, 2015 A.D.

by John F. Di Leo 

5:  It’ll be so darned funny to watch Joe Biden lose yet another nomination to a blatant criminal!

4:  Because now that the executive branch is well established as a treasonous and criminal enterprise, who better than a Clinton to run it?

3:  Because it’s been a rough year, and comedians need the material.

2:  Because let’s face it, all modern Democrats are the same, and at least we already know how to spell this one’s name.

And the Number One Top Reason To Support Hillary Clinton for the Democratic Nomination for the Presidency, Despite All the Scandals, Is:

1:  Because the Secret Service has spent six years debauching themselves all over the world, and it’ll STILL take them two more years of practice to be experienced enough to be ready to handle the Clintons again…

Copyright 2015 John F. Di Leo

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JFD’s Top Five Most Commonly Recurring Emails Discovered by the Russian Hackers in Barack Obama’s Blackberry – April 27, 2015 A.D.

5:  “Valerie, did you catch my speech this morning?  I was on fire.  Totally nailed it.  My gosh, I’m good.  I don’t know why I waited so long to become President; it really is the perfect job for me.”

4:  “Valerie, could you have one of the secretaries to send over another tie, exactly the same as the one I wore today?  I spilled ketchup on this one; can’t let Michelle see that, or she’ll know I had a burger again.”

3:  “Did you see me on MSNBC this morning?  Damn, I look good on TV.   Save a tape of it to my laptop’s C-Drive, would ya?  This one’s a keeper.”

2:  “Hey, Joe, about that funeral in Europe I wanted you to go to… no, I don’t know whose funeral it was, just go to it.  It’s in France.  There’s got to be a funeral somewhere in France, just find one.  I want you there this weekend.  If you can find some more funerals there to keep you busy for a week, that’s okay, go to those too.”

And the Number One Most Commonly Recurring Email Discovered by the Russian Hackers in Barack Obama’s Blackberry is:

1: “Hey, Michelle, did you see me on CNN this morning?  Wasn’t that terrific?  It was a keeper, huh?!”

Copyright 2015 John F. Di Leo

JFD’s Top Five Things to Discuss With Uncredentialed Service Employees Now That Starbucks Has Ended Its “Talk About Race With Your Barrista” Campaign – March 22, 2015 A.D.

5:   Discuss ancient Greek political philosophy with the guy at the drive-through window at McDonald’s.  He’s never heard of Aristotle or Socrates, but he might have played with play-dough when he was a boy…

4:   Discuss dental care with the shake-mixer at Dairy Queen.  Or maybe with the box-filler at Fanny May.

3: Discuss religion with the landscape guy who does the digging before their crews come in to plant new trees.  They say there are no atheists in foxholes…

2:  Discuss neurosurgery with the cashier at the organic fruit stand.

… and the Number One thing to discuss with uncredentialed service employees now that Starbucks has ended its “talk about race with your barrista” campaign is:

1:  Discuss basic economics with a $450,000/year public school district superintendent who’s about to retire at age 55 on a $300,000/year pension.

Nahh, never mind that last discussion.  Talk about pointless…

John F. Di Leo 3-22-2015

JFD’s Top Five Things to Know About the Death of Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah 1-22-15

5:  On the bright side, the undertaker doesn’t have to make up the face of the body.  The 90-year-old King Abdullah had been caking on pancake makeup and dying his beard in an ever more ridiculous effort to look young for at least the last thirty years… so this corpse is ALREADY painted up and ready for the wake.

4:  They don’t have to wrap up the body in a white sheet.  Big flowing white sheets are all that that King Abdullah has worn his entire life.

3:  Turns out the new method the Saudi doctors have of determining whether their royal family members are alive or dead is working fine:  They just wait for the muslim call to prayer, and watch all the princes do that thing where they lie down prone on a rug, facing Mecca.  If at the end of the prayer they can’t get back up, you know they’re dead.  Roll ’em up in the rug and roll ’em down the hall to the coroner’s office.

2:  When he got to the Pearly Gates today, the first person King Abdullah met was Groucho Marx, who complimented him on his great black facial hair.  Groucho said “Great chin beard, Abdullah! – Can I call you Abe?  Or Abby? –   You know, I always stopped with the paint after painting on a nice thick mustache, because I didn’t want to look tacky… but hey, on you, it looks good…”

…and the Number One thing you need to know about the death of Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah is:

1:  Now, with all the stuff that poor Barack Obama has on his mind, being the leader of the free world and all, he has one more big task ahead of him: BHO has to learn how to bow to a whole new Saudi king…

Copyright 2015 John F. Di Leo

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JFD’s Top Five Ways to Handle the 22 Illegal Aliens That Michelle Obama Is Bringing to the State of the Union Address:

5:  As soon as Michelle sits down with them, Speaker Boehner can direct the House Bailiff to head over and arrest all 22 of them.

4:  As soon as BHO announces that he brought them, Speaker Boehner can direct the House Bailiff to arrest BHO, as an admitted accomplice and enabler, having admitted the crime of galavanting with border-jumpers in full knowledge of their crime without reporting them to law enforcement.

3:  Direct Immigration services to place them on a raft in the middle of the ice-covered Potomac, with just one oar to share.  And no coats or hats (wouldn’t want to weigh them down)…  Hey, if they can just make it out to international waters, they’re home free!

2: Put them to work right away in the homes of a bunch of Democrat honchos, shoveling snow and cooking in the kitchen, alongside all the armies of other illegal aliens that these elitist criminals already employ.

…and the Number One Way to Handle the 22 Illegal Aliens That Michelle Obama Is Bringing to the State of the Union Address is:

1:  Immediately throw out the top 22 members of the Democrat minority leadership in both the House and Senate, and effective immediately, replace Reid, Durbin, Pelosi, Hoyer, et. al. with these 22 aliens for the rest of their current terms.   Hey, today’s Democrats want illegal aliens to be able to come in and take away all of OUR jobs, don’t they?  High time we showed them what it feels like!

copyright 2015 John F. Di Leo

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JFD’s Top Five Tips For Surviving the 2015 State of the Union Address:

 5:  Wipe all personal financial information from your home computer, your tablet, your phone, your own memory, and the memory of your pet elephant (that’s the hardest of all; an elephant never forgets, except when it comes to lessons about running losing moderates for the presidency).

 4:  Have a large bottle of Pepto Bismol handy.

 3:  Quickly forget all the English you know, and learn Uzbek, Esperanto, Ancient Greek, or Swahili. It’s nowhere near as depressing or scary if you don’t understand what he’s saying.

 2:  Join a cloistered order, like the Carmelites or Trappists (this option not available in Utah).

And of course, the Number One Top Tip for Surviving the 2015 State of the Union Address is:

 1:  Watch Something Else!

Copyright 2015 John F. Di Leo

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JFD’s Top Five Obscure Theatre Problems That Only Theatre People Will Get – 1-9-2015

5: Fighting with your set designer over producing Neil Simon’s “God’s Favorite” because the fire department keeps complaining that you’re burning down the set during the intermission.

4: Arguing with the director during rehearsals for “The Lego Movie,” because you wanted to concentrate on character development, and he said “But it’s ALL Blocking!”

3: The producer blowing up the budget for a production of “Sweet Charity” because he spent the money earmarked to pay the royalties on pallets of genuine Jamaican sugar cane because he wanted it to be REALLY sweet…

2: The publicity agent for a Tel Aviv production of the Ben Hecht classic comedy “The Front Page”, having a nervous breakdown trying to figure out where in the Jerusalem Post he should run the print ads…

And the Number One Obscure Theatre Problem That Only Theatre People Will Get is:

1: The pompous director of “Fiddler on the Roof” who’s such a pain in the neck to work with, halfway through the second act, the whole CAST accompanies Perchik to Siberia.

John F. Di Leo, January 9, 2015 A.D.

 

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JFD’s Top Five Reasons to Support Chris Christie for President in 2016

5:  Because it would be so cool to have a 2016 Republican nominee whose weight in pounds is the same as his election year.  That special White House bathtub that was built for William Howard Taft has gone unused for a century now; what a waste of taxpayer’s money, right?

4:  Because Governor Christie is the ONLY candidate likely to put a sharia-believing muslim judge on the Supreme Court.  There are probably several already ready to accept his appointment; islamofascist jurists all over the east coast have died their terrycloth robes black, and started appending a copy of Robert’s Rules of Order to their copies of the koran… and started measuring the collar sizes of current Supreme Court Justices… you know, just to give them souvenir, um, dress shirts…

3: After eight years of BHO’s disastrous rein of error, the Democrats have practically no chance of retaining the White House in 2016…  But if the GOP runs Chris Christie, it’ll be like Hillary won, even if she doesn’t!

2:  A President Christie will be able to save the money we usually spend on appointing a press secretary, because he so enjoys holding press conferences himself!  So, hey, there’s a couple hundred grand a year we can save!  And press conferences will be fun to watch, for the first time in years!

And the Number One Reason to Support Chris Christie for President in 2016 is…

1:  If Chris Christie is elected,  the White House Pastry Chef will ALWAYS have somebody to lick the spoon.  And the bowl.  And the cake pan.  And the muffin tin.  And the cookie tray.  And the popover rack…

Copyright 2015 John F. Di Leo

January 4, 2015 A.D.

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JFD’s Top Five Predictions for 2015 – Jan 3, 2015 A.D.

5: Now that Peter Jackson has completed his goal of producing Lord of the Rings and stretching The Hobbit into a three-film series, he will turn to his next project: turning J.R.R. Tolkien’s 25-page short story about two neighbors, “Leaf by Niggle,” into a seven-film epic.

4: Having been proven wrong in both the “coming ice age” fears of the 1970s and 1980s, and the “global warming” fears of the 1990s and 2000s, the Left will start predicting the End of Weather, as they’ll claim that capitalism and racism will cause the earth to lose its gravity, and our entire atmosphere will float off into space, leaving us to hop around earth’s surface without rain, clouds, snow, air, or any weather of any kind at all! And all this horror is only going to be “seven years away” if we don’t elect leftists at every level…

3: Its two stadiums now completely revamped and ready for use, with all the necessary elements for victory – seats, advertising, a working scoreboard, concession stands, convenient parking, plenty of pickpockets, etc. – Chicago’s two baseball teams will announce that they’re actually going to hire some winning players for the 2015 season. Not enough to actually be competitive, of course, but enough to … um… well, enough to get some gullible people’s hopes up, anyway.

2: And speaking of Chicago, the semi-precious jewel of the south side, the University of Chicago, proud of its isolation from the real world, its pretention, its ridiculously high price considering its surroundings, the outrageous risk to health and safety posed by venturing onto, or off of, their campus… will change its name to Barack and Michelle Obama University, in an effort to get more federal assistance and win the grant of a Barack Obama Presidential Library. They’ll also change their motto from “Let knowledge grow from more to more; and so be human life enriched” to “You didn’t build that!”

And JFD’s Number One Prediction for 2015 is:

1: In keeping with the recent tradition of Hollywood stars who made it big on their natural looks, wanting to change to some completely different look once they reached the top, all female Hollywood stars will complete their plastic surgery in 2015 so they end the year looking like Liz Taylor, and all male Hollywood stars will complete their own plastic surgery in 2015 to make them all look like Liz Taylor too by the end of the year.

Happy New Year, friends! Good Luck in 2015 !!!

Copyright 2015 John F. Di Leo

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